The Manic Depressive's Anti Social Rainy Day Activity Book

I've started to become relatively more productive, although my ideas of things to write and create are still not quite complete enough to actually follow through on. I have finally almost ditched my phone for good. It sits in the corner of my room all day underneath a pile of other objects. The only thing I need to figure out is how to sync it to my computer so I can see my text messages and won't be pestered so much for not responding for hours. I fucking hate texting. One of the most annoying things in the world is when someone asks "did you see my text?", as if it was time sensitive, just for it to be something not important at all. 

I'm going to start painting again, specifically oil paints this time. I can still access all the modules from the painting class I took in my fall 2024 semester of community college. I had done all the assignments using acrylic paint but I think going through them again would be a good way to get used to oil painting and to help through my current creative rut.

Finished reading A Man For The Asking. Not sure why I expected anything other than erotica from Breillat, but it's written in a very interesting way. I'm impressed that it was written by a sixteen year old because it's more unique than anything most teenagers these days could come up with.

The thin, faint white lines of years old razorblade swipes on my left thigh are visible when the light catches them just right. Usually I don't mind seeing all those old scars, but these ones make my skin look especially odd sometimes. 

More to be added here later? Maybe.

Post script:
I was considering bleaching the blonde chunks in my hair lighter. Right now they're at about a level 7. They're bleached over black hair dye and got to that point after two rounds of bleach if I'm remembering correctly. It doesn't feel damaged at all. I also want to redo the dark stripes on the raccoon tail. Considering using blue-black, or simply just dark blue, for that but it's just so dark that it might stand out oddly compared to the rest of my hair, which is a dark 4n brown instead of black because black dye is just so harsh looking. I'm also worried about color bleeding from the dark stripes onto the blonde stripes.

Another thing: I'm so over something always being wrong with me. Whether that be brain-fog or lethargy or extreme depression or anxiety. It keeps me from doing so much. I became very existential over this last night but I can't bring myself to do anything about it. I really feel empty inside most of the time. 

I know everything I need to do, and everything I'm doing wrong, and what I could do to try to fix it all. But like I just can't! I'm figuring it out though, one day at a time. Having to spend my 21st birthday alone in about a week feels like a punishment for still not having come out of isolation after four years.

Went to the mall again yesterday. Who's surprised. (No one).. Love this store in the corner of a quite lonely wing of the mall. They sell a bunch of perverted little anime figures. All sorts of statues from other games and movies but I feel more of an attachment to the cutesy anime girls. They play radio talk shows over the speakers instead of music. Last time I went it sounded like the owner was listening to Howard Stern. Something I struggle with is that whenever I leave the house, I think of it as I did something productive enough that the entire rest of the day doesn't matter. It is a bit of a feat to get me out of the house these days though. Another result of that is I feel the need to spend the entire next day recovering. Twenty years old! Recovering! From an afternoon at the mall!!!???????!?!?!?!? Dear God.

I've been forcing myself to eat breakfast because it gets me out of bed. I spent about an hour longer in bed this morning than I wanted but at least I'm at my desk now... Writing SOMETHING. I'm at the point where I'll applaud myself for doing anything other than sleeping or dissociating, but I think I'm giving myself too much leniency and need to be pushed further.

Anyway, I need need need to respond to like a million (and by a million, I mean probably about five) people. Sucks so bad that in order to have friends you need to make friends, and part of that is actually getting to know people and talk to them. Back where I was living before I could call up anyone whose number I had and ask to hang out, even if we hadn't ever talked outside of school. Now it's just like... endless online conversation with people in my city that never leads to us meeting properly. I hate getting to know people over text (email, which owns my heart, is great for it though), texting is supposed to be for telling people in your life things when you aren't with them at the moment, not making conversation with strangers. 

I'VE BEEN AT MY COMPUTER WRITING THIS FOR LIKE AN HOUR! GAWD! Forcing myself away now so I can go do something else.

Had planned to go to the mall today but I woke up feeling terrible. I'm going tomorrow instead but for now I'm just sitting idly trying to figure out what I want to do today. I'm just at my computer real quick to write this but I'll probably spend the next few hours laying around. Perhaps I'll force myself to read or watch a film but there isn't anything that I'm interested in at this moment.

I did end up getting my fishing license (5 minute task that I put off for about two weeks) but never went fishing. Last night we went down to my sister's house just over an hour away in this cute little rural town. Towns like that are always so cute to visit but once you actually live there it doesn't take long at all to get bored because there's nothing around. She has this little fat orange dog, and it's always a surprise to me when dogs are immediately affectionate (even though they're like- very well known for their affectionate nature) because my dog is just so aloof, especially now that she's older. There's also all these new little kittens after my sister took in this beautiful white and gray striped cat a few months ago. She and my brother-in-law kept suggesting to my parents that they should let me take one. I appreciate the effort, and they got as close as they possibly could to convincing my mom, but I don't think my dad is ever letting that happen ;( We ate at a little restaurant right off this massive lake. The waitresses were so sweet, so I feel bad saying that the food wasn't that great. 

Every day I'm feeling a little closer to properly considering getting an mp3 player. Old technology 2000s nostalgia bait posting is successful propaganda, I tell you! The reason I continue to use Spotify is because my father is already paying for a family plan, so that money is still being sent to them whether or not I even use the app, and I will admit that I love it because it's convenient. I struggle to keep my actual mp3 files (usually demos that aren't on streaming services) organized but I think that's just my own stupidity. But within the past couple of days I can't get the thought of an mp3 player out of my head. I'm not sure why. Maybe I'll get one. Maybe. But I know for a fact that if I do then my discovery of new music will decrease exponentially. Perhaps this paragraph is me admitting weakness towards the one algorithm that I readily give in to. I could write at length about my love-hate relationship with my phone and how I kind of want to give into all the "dumb phone" stuff even though I think it's a bit silly, but I think I'm just going to finish here.

The brain fog is so terrible. I forget everything I want to say and do. I really need to start writing reminders to myself. My birthday is in about two weeks and everyone's asking "what do you want to do for your birthday?" and I simply don't know :( 

Reminder to myself that I need to 1. get my fishing license, 2. get all my documents for uni sorted out (WHY IS EVERYTHING SO DIFFICULT!), 3. write back to a bunch of people, which is something I've seemed to have gotten quite bad at. I'm just never sure what to say.

SOMEONE reached out to me, one of the victims of my emotional dysregulation and attachment issues who I occasionally run to livejournal crying about. I felt fine and neutral and any possible written outburst was avoided for a couple days until I unintentionally came across some screenshots earlier today of our older exchanges. I became very emotional for a few minutes but moved on. I often wonder if the cruelty I felt he inflicted upon me was intentional or not. The likely conclusion is that this whole situation is the result of his boredom and my dramatic tendencies.

Went to the mall yesterday. It was fine, I don't really have anything to say about it. However, my most loneliest of moments happen to be felt while sitting in mall food courts. I think it's because I'm forced to observe my surroundings more, as opposed to not having so much time to think about what I'm seeing while quickly walking past everyone and everything, and I start to ruminate about how I'm always so alone. When I leave the house I always think of it as the big event that will turn my whole life around and fix me. Even the smallest outings.

Lots of D.S.R updates this week. I had no idea until someone sent them to me directly. I try to avoid all mention of massacres these days for my own wellbeing. I read through about two of the documents and I'm not sure if I should read the rest. I basically can't talk about him at all without my blog being nuked and I don't feel like making a new one. I think I want to exist separately from all that, at least for now. Just a couple hours before I saw it I was just thinking about how strange and dark that time in my life was, when I would spend so much time reading through court documents about a mass murderer and trying to format all the information in an easier to read way for other people. I don't think I really cared about anything else.

I've run out of things to say. Goodnight.