I'm tryinnngggggughhhh
Apr. 30th, 2026 01:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pulmonaryarcheryI know everything I need to do, and everything I'm doing wrong, and what I could do to try to fix it all. But like I just can't! I'm figuring it out though, one day at a time. Having to spend my 21st birthday alone in about a week feels like a punishment for still not having come out of isolation after four years.
Went to the mall again yesterday. Who's surprised. (No one).. Love this store in the corner of a quite lonely wing of the mall. They sell a bunch of perverted little anime figures. All sorts of statues from other games and movies but I feel more of an attachment to the cutesy anime girls. They play radio talk shows over the speakers instead of music. Last time I went it sounded like the owner was listening to Howard Stern. Something I struggle with is that whenever I leave the house, I think of it as I did something productive enough that the entire rest of the day doesn't matter. It is a bit of a feat to get me out of the house these days though. Another result of that is I feel the need to spend the entire next day recovering. Twenty years old! Recovering! From an afternoon at the mall!!!???????!?!?!?!? Dear God.
I've been forcing myself to eat breakfast because it gets me out of bed. I spent about an hour longer in bed this morning than I wanted but at least I'm at my desk now... Writing SOMETHING. I'm at the point where I'll applaud myself for doing anything other than sleeping or dissociating, but I think I'm giving myself too much leniency and need to be pushed further.
Anyway, I need need need to respond to like a million (and by a million, I mean probably about five) people. Sucks so bad that in order to have friends you need to make friends, and part of that is actually getting to know people and talk to them. Back where I was living before I could call up anyone whose number I had and ask to hang out, even if we hadn't ever talked outside of school. Now it's just like... endless online conversation with people in my city that never leads to us meeting properly. I hate getting to know people over text (email, which owns my heart, is great for it though), texting is supposed to be for telling people in your life things when you aren't with them at the moment, not making conversation with strangers.
I'VE BEEN AT MY COMPUTER WRITING THIS FOR LIKE AN HOUR! GAWD! Forcing myself away now so I can go do something else.
Went to the mall again yesterday. Who's surprised. (No one).. Love this store in the corner of a quite lonely wing of the mall. They sell a bunch of perverted little anime figures. All sorts of statues from other games and movies but I feel more of an attachment to the cutesy anime girls. They play radio talk shows over the speakers instead of music. Last time I went it sounded like the owner was listening to Howard Stern. Something I struggle with is that whenever I leave the house, I think of it as I did something productive enough that the entire rest of the day doesn't matter. It is a bit of a feat to get me out of the house these days though. Another result of that is I feel the need to spend the entire next day recovering. Twenty years old! Recovering! From an afternoon at the mall!!!???????!?!?!?!? Dear God.
I've been forcing myself to eat breakfast because it gets me out of bed. I spent about an hour longer in bed this morning than I wanted but at least I'm at my desk now... Writing SOMETHING. I'm at the point where I'll applaud myself for doing anything other than sleeping or dissociating, but I think I'm giving myself too much leniency and need to be pushed further.
Anyway, I need need need to respond to like a million (and by a million, I mean probably about five) people. Sucks so bad that in order to have friends you need to make friends, and part of that is actually getting to know people and talk to them. Back where I was living before I could call up anyone whose number I had and ask to hang out, even if we hadn't ever talked outside of school. Now it's just like... endless online conversation with people in my city that never leads to us meeting properly. I hate getting to know people over text (email, which owns my heart, is great for it though), texting is supposed to be for telling people in your life things when you aren't with them at the moment, not making conversation with strangers.
I'VE BEEN AT MY COMPUTER WRITING THIS FOR LIKE AN HOUR! GAWD! Forcing myself away now so I can go do something else.