"I don't want to feel this way forever."

[pulmonaryarchery]

Today so far has been spent mostly in bed, but at least there's an actual reason this time. I had gotten out of bed relatively early and began sewing some patches onto my bag, then was suddenly afflicted with a headache (which happens basically every other day, ugh...) and got back in bed. At least this time I actually spent the time reading something instead of refreshing the same websites over and over again. Fell asleep at around four thirty, woke up at five, took a shower, ate, and now I'm sitting at my desk. I really fucking hate taking off my makeup, but I think the sight and feel of old caked on mascara damages me psychologically. "This is how a depressed and lazy woman looks", and that thought probably subconsciously controls how I feel during the day. 

Finished reading My Year of Rest and Relaxation. I'll write about it when I can manage to. Started reading A Man for the Asking by Catherine Breillat, whose films I find fascinating, but I'm unsure of how I feel about the book so far. For a while I've wanted to read Pornocracy because I love Anatomy of Hell, but I'm yet to find a PDF copy of it in English online.

I read through a few emails written by me last night and realized just how often I repeat myself. Are my excuses of temporary ailments still valid if I'm giving them every time we talk? Same goes with my own excuses for not writing. "I'll write about that when my head feels more clear", and it never happens. Maybe that's just my permanent state of being now. Perhaps I'll force myself through it and just publish all the repetitive jibberish on my website anyway. Better than nothing?

Thursday was never really a band that I'd list as one of my favorites, but they truly are one of the best in post-hardcore. I first heard Understanding in a Car Crash about five years ago and it still leaves me speechless. Sadly they aren't coming to my city anytime soon, but they were awesome when I saw them back in December.